Answering the unanswerable

Okinawa, Japan

Hello, readers! 

My name is Naomie, and I got the luck of writing an essay for this blog, for which I am very excited about! 

A little information about me: I am a French and Japanese high school student in Japan who also lived in South Africa. I like cats, and I am an avid hater of these questions: 

“Where do you come from?” 

“Which language are you the most fluent in?” 

“Which team do you support the most in sports?” 

“Who do you prefer, your mother or your father?”  

You might be shocked or offended; you might wonder why I hate these innocent questions. Yes, I agree that these questions are often considered as fun and innocent conversation starters. But, for me, these questions are ones that force me to choose between my cultures. As a person that loves all of my cultures equally, I hate having to choose one and “show” that it is better than the others. It is really incredible – if not even funny – how I would really try to avoid answering these questions when I was a child – and how I still strive to do so – using my oh so amazing strategies (to which I gave wonderful names!).  

“Where do you come from?”, a classmate would ask me. I would answer, “I am French and Japanese, and I was born in Tokyo. I then lived in France and South Africa before coming back to Japan”. (Strategy “Big-Info-Dump” to avoid answering directly) 

“Which team do you support the most in sports?” is a question that I always get asked when there is an international sport event. I enjoy watching how they get a shocked expression when I say that I prefer the South African team over the French or Japanese one when it comes to rugby. (Strategy “Humor/Changing the Subject” to deflect the question) 

My teacher recently asked, “Which language are you the most fluent in?”, and my answer was “I think that all things considered, there is no difference in their levels.” (Strategy “Be Vague” to avoid giving my opinion on the topic) 

I remember being confused and upset after I got asked “Do you prefer your mother or your father?” for the first time when I was in kindergarten. The next time someone asked me this, I answered “I actually prefer my teddy bear”. Now, I tend to answer that I prefer my cat. (Strategy “Humor/Changing the Subject” strikes again!) 

I believe that my aversion to these types of questions comes from my anxiety of being scrutinized – from my opinions to my actions, from my fashion style to my reactions by people who want to see which country I am loyal to people who believe that no one can truly be loyal to more than one culture/nation. 

Maybe this is just in my head, but this – feeling like all of my actions are scrutinised – is something that has always bothered me.

I wish that I could say something about one of my cultures without having to mention something about the other cultures to balance it out. I wish I could cheer a certain team without having to defend myself and my other cultures. I wish I could actually answer the question about my parents without constantly hearing “Which culture do you actually prefer, your father’s or your mother’s?” in my head. 

I wish that people would actually believe me when I say that I love all three of my cultures equally. I think that this is something most third culture kids, international students and people with multiple citizenships wish for. I also think that society not believing us loving all of our cultures is one of the big struggles we face. 

Sadly, there are not many things normal people can do to change a whole society’s way of thinking in one go. However, I believe that with time and dedication, society can change. I believe that teaching people around us about our struggles and our experiences can be small steps. And with time and effort, these small steps can accumulate into big steps, steps big enough to create change. 

This is why, even though I am sometimes annoyed and upset about getting asked these types of questions, I have decided to try to answer them in a way that is educational for the person who asked. Yes, sometimes I do not do so because I am too annoyed or too tired. Sometimes, I cannot resist the temptation for a sarcastic comment or a funny comeback. But I do try to be patient with these questions, and I try to explain that all of my cultures hold an equal place in my heart. 

This is why Belonging Beyond Borders, and other organizations that put lights on third culture kids and international students, are important. Sharing our experiences together and teaching them to others are important steps towards a better and more diverse society. 

Maybe then, I will truly be able to answer the questions without worrying about people nitpicking my answer.